Many many thoughts... all random... sorry for the mess, but u just have to read n decipher... cos this is my state of mind now... too many things on my mind...
RELATIONSHIP
during the PMC, we were told by my pastor that the results of our "relationship test" showed that we had somewhat unrealistic expectations abt romance and marriage. both of us agreed strongly with the statement that "romance will not fade after marriage" - and we were advised to take off our rose-tinted glasses and wake up our idea.
perhaps it's true, perhaps this is the exact reason why my relationships never lasted, that i've been overly idealistic about how a relationship would eventually become less romantic and more pragmatic. yet part of me, being the hopeless romantic is too stubborn to admit or to accept that advice, secretly wishing that somehow i'd be special and lucky enough to find something and someone different - then reality bites...
he too has moods, just as i am entitled to feel moody and grouchy for no good reason. i have to accept him for that too perhaps? the cynic part of me is telling the neurotic part of me to stop whining and move on. try as i might, in the beginning he can treat me like a princess but how long can that last. In real life, princesses divorce, get involved with other men and get pursued by paparazzi and die in car accidents... Fairy tales do not exist.
THE RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF
I've always tried to stay positive, but it's hard to do. But I need to indulge in wallowing sometimes, feel a bit melancholic, abit emo. so it's true I am not a simple person, it's just something I have to accept. When something happens, I can relate a hundred other things to it - look at it from different angles - where, why he said that, why she reacted that way, who, what, how it could be avoided, how other people see it, how it should be, how it shouldnt be, and what happens next... bla bla bla... it intrigues me to analyse, to argue, I even pride myself at my ability to think in depth.
Then I realise all these is of zilch value, cos I can't use it to earn $! It's all about $ and achievement. Each job I took required me to learn new skill sets, learning new things is never a problem, it's always fun to learn new things until I realise some of the "new" skills I learn requires me to kill my soul, to ignore my emotions, and even change part of my personality... then it becomes a struggle - to just be PROFESSIONAL. Emotional detachment they say, is the key to be professional, to be detached without being cold... aint that a challenge? I cry when I am upset, I laugh when I am happy, I sulk when I am upset, I stutter when I am afraid. This is the way that God makes me, yet I am branded as being "too emotional" and "incapable of controlling my emotions" *SULK* so if emotions are god-given, as is the ability to control them, why the heck is it so hard?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Too much at a time
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2 comments:
i get the feeling dat u still dunno what u wan in life and in a partner...dunno why...
sorry i saw this so late.
1. everyone has different types of relationship - and it depends on both parties. blessed if two can keep the flame burning strong. blessed u r too...if the flame is flickering..but still burning. to hope for it to be burning like a bushfire ALL the time...i think it'll be a hard fall. Perhaps another way to look at your answers to "romance will not fade..." is both your positive outlook and determination to "make it work". Even if it may not turn out romantic everyday, at least we know both sides desire for the same goal. Just a thot lah.
2. about god-given emotions vs societal values, it's a hard line to draw. Perhaps there is no line to draw. Perhaps the answers are all with God - which is where we should be looking to. It is however easier to please the society since they are the ones 'measuring' you - you also feel the impact of those judgment in comparison to divine judgment.
I've come to realize that my decision is to lead my life that is pleasing to God (don't we all?) and when challenged, I choose to be true to God cuz the world will pass, but He remains.
That however is no reason to wallow in self-pity or stomp my feet and throw tantrums all the time u know? :)
hope this sharing helps.
(email me if u answer...thing about blogger...they dun give email notifications to replies...)
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